Good Enough

Years ago when I was in my mid-20's, one day I went up to Santa Barbara (my favorite place)



from my home in Santa Monica. While enjoying the majestic beauty of the impending sunset (my favorite thing) I saw an elderly woman walk out onto the sand.



I expected her to slowly wander along. She walked for a bit, but then her gait picked up and as her creaky body fell into her own timeless rhythm she looked the same as any runner I know. I remember wondering how many miles she had run over her lifetime, how she could run so smoothly over uneven sand without shoes, and how she got so lucky to still be able to run when most of her friends probably needed a cane. That evening, I understood what health meant to me, and knew what I wanted to grow into. Suddenly exercise - but, really health - took on a whole new meaning.

I'm not sure what to call what happened next.  I've thought about it a lot over the years.   Was it fate?   Was it coincidence?  Or just sheer luck?   I can't be sure...but as I review my life's trajectory, it's hard not to think it was somehow all part of a plan.  

Shortly after this revelation with the woman on the beach, I was hired as a high school teacher.  The Athletic Director of the high school was Jacqueline Hansen, Boston Marathon winner.  I was in awe.  I couldn't imagine ever doing a marathon, much less ever winning the damned thing - not to mention winning the biggest mother of 'em all.   She was a freak.  And a freak in a good way.  : ) 


She and I became fast friends, and this most definitely evolved into a mentoring relationship.  "JQ", her nickname, invited me to go run with her one day.  Running?  I didn't 'run'.   Up until that point I don't think I had ever jogged more than 3 miles maybe.  I remember I wore high tops (no lie!) and my feet were later swollen with blisters -- I had NO CLUE!!   I was big and clumsy, but JQ didn't seem to care.  She just bounced along in her petite runner frame, non-stop chatter, while I wheezed and gasped for air.   Soon there were more after-school running invites, Sunday morning runs...... but best of all, a sincere friendship in bloom.

Without a doubt, Jacqueline is responsible for getting me off the couch all those years ago.  Triathlon wasn't even an idea yet.........but if there hadn't been JQ's intervention, her pushing me back into a world that involved movement, I have no idea the person I would have become.  Or worse - the person I would have remained.

Here's a great recap on her incredible athletic life and its trials, if you're interested in a great read on a woman who was once ranked #1 in the world in the marathon: 
Jacqueline Hansen

People have been asking me if I am ever going to race again. I always hesitate…knowing deep inside that I'd rather run a little bit for a long time than run a lot and have to stop. I wonder about this, about where the line is for me.


I've been struggling a lot lately with feeling good enough. Good enough for what, or for whom (??) - only I can really challenge myself with those questions, or understand where the challenge lies. Sometimes I have a spell of days where I feel contentedly 'good enough.' It is enough that I get out there and try, over and over again, every day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.

Some weeks, good enough is pretty damn good. I look at the vision staring back at me in the mirror and feel proud. I know she is doing the best she can.


And then it happens, the wave of doubt leaves me sputtering and gasping for air and suddenly 'good enough' is up for debate.


I am a practical woman… I know that wishing is for stars and change comes to those who pursue it.  It's just that the sheer overwhelming nature of just living, of desperately trying to create a life worth something, that has meaning, can make my head spin.    We had work reviews today, basically a goal setting session for 2012. Even in the midst of all the positives and praise, I fixated on what I should and could be doing better. Nothing motivates me like success - and not success tied with financial prosperity (although who wouldn't love a great Christmas?) - but success intrinsically tied to doing my job(s) well, pleasing my boss and colleagues and furthering their belief in me...but all of this, to me the greatest success is being HAPPY.    


Please, please... let me one day be successful...


In these moments where good enough no longer feels like enough…I need to stop and breathe. I need to figure out if the voice that is convicting me is the voice of truth, calling me in earnest to step up my game…or, if it is the voice of doubt whose sole purpose is to undermine my core. I need to respond to the truth. I need to turn up my iPod on doubt.


So will I ever race again? Does it even matter if I do, really? Will I think less of myself if I choose to quit? Will I live with the sting of regret if, for the first time in my life, I give in to fear? I'm not sure I have the answers to those questions... But in the still of the night...when it is quiet...and dark....and loneliness jumps into her side of the bed ... I sigh heavily as I force the calming ideal in my head...


It is indeed possible to be good enough in the midst of trying to be better.

Beautiful Boulder Mornings...

A pretty morning view amid a run, don't you think??

"Crazy Lady" down the street

I’ve not written about her yet.  It's time for introductions.


There is a woman I have affectionately dubbed “Crazy Lady” who lives a few doors down.  She’s prone to social missteps and is now known for her inaudible attempts at sentence structure in order to convey her thoughts.  Oh, and don’t get me started on the beehive hairdo and wool knee socks worn with sandals…  Oye!


Crazy Lady homeschools her 10-year old kid, whom I’ve naturally dubbed “Crazy Spawn”.     I’ve made numerous attempts to befriend Crazy Spawn, as I have a cordial, waving hello relationship with a few of the other kids on the block.  Many of them play outside during the daytime and they’re good kids.


Against my better judgment and intense dislike of crazy, her kid has been playing in my yard lately. Yesterday afternoon after school, a bunch of the kids played with sidewalk chalk. I stayed out there for a little bit to make sure everyone was getting along.  They were playing hopscotch and hangman, thankfully there was no plotting to overthrow their parents or planning a coup to take over the neighborhood.   After about half an hour I was bored out of my mind and had to go inside to make dinner and left a few of the good kids in the next door driveway with Crazy Spawn. An hour later, I went outside to take a look at the chalk drawing progress.  Take a look at what my bulged out eyes saw!  I confronted a few of the good kids who said that Crazy Spawn had drawn the picture and he had identified all the body parts for the whole neighborhood.   Lovely.

 

In the middle of that picture, do you see the reason for my eyebrows to be almost off the top of my forehead? Still not sure? Let me show you a little closer.

 

Still not totally sure what you're looking at there? Hmmmm. How about this one?

 

My first thought upon seeing this drawing was that the chalk lady had some massive boobs. Then I noticed she was headless. Then I happened to notice she was also either a transvestite or perhaps a hermaphrodite.


For Real?


The sidewalk chalk has now been retired.  I had to hose down the driveway before any of the other neighbors saw the porn and got scared.


I feel dirty.

Tag Teaming

I am still learning all the internet lingo.  

It seems I have been "tagged" -- and TWICE.  This seems like a crazy way to get in some sort of internet threesome......  but what the heck.  :)

The crazy lovely ladies over at Irondiva  and ShutUpAndRun have chosen me to answer their questions.   Okay  okay!  Since I got gang raped tagged twice I am going to combine their questions so I am not posting two of these suckers.   No way I could be that interesting.

Here we go:

1. Post these rules
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer
5. Go to their blog and tell them you’ve tagged them
6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people!

Random things about me:

1.  I have never run a marathon.  But I have done 13 Ironman events.  "But....but... I need to know I can run a marathon before I run a marathon!!!"   Pfffft.  Bullshit.  Proof right here, people. 

2. I did Stand-Up in Los Angeles in my 20's.   

3.  I used to weigh almost 200lbs.  (I like Doritos. ) 

4.  I am a former High School Teacher.   (Can Prozac please come in aerosol spray??!)

5.  I can juggle.   (Not my life or multiple tasks but actual balls.)

6.  In 2006 I spent the night in Robin William's guest room in San Francisco.  (Now THAT's a good story for me to share!)

7. I have been arrested.

8.  I am actually very shy and sensitive.   You won't see that in a group setting, but get me one-on-one and you will.   There's a soft, quiet side most people don't expect.

9.  I was having lunch with my friend Patty Heaton one day at the Farmers Market in West Hollywood.  She was telling me she was nervous that she'd probably never work again.   Two weeks later she booked "Everyone Loves Raymond" and the rest is, shall we say, showbiz history.

10.  The beach is my sanctuary.

11.  By age 25 I'd lost my twin sister, my mother and all of my grandparents, in that order.   Feeling secure, taken care of and loved is overrated.   Who needs that nurturing stuff to sustain emotional health anyway?   Empty + Alone = Awesome.

Questions SUAR and Irondiva asked:

1.  In five words or less, tell me your most embarrassing moment (example - mine would be boyfriend, toilet, overflow).

Ironman Wisconsin 2005: ASS EXPLOSION.

2. If you weren’t doing your current job, what would be your profession?

Dammit, I get asked this in therapy all the time.  We still can't find an answer.  (C'mon life!!   Help me find the path!)

3.  Do you think Bob Harper is gay?

I know with certainty that he is.  One of his ex's, Brandon, is my friend.  Not outing him.  It's a fairly well known fact, it's just not mentioned on the TV show.  Good.  Why would that be any focus for a show about fitness?

4.  What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

I'm in love with you.

5.  Would you be able to run further or faster?

It would depend what was chasing me.

6.  What food gives you gas?

EVERY food.  

7.  Where is one place in the world you'd love to travel?

Easy.  Italy.

4. If you won the lottery, would you still work?

Absolutely.  It's not a good idea that I get bored.  When/if I am, I will find something to fill the time - and it isn't always a smart choice.

9. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Enough to get diabetes?

10. Would you rather be really hot or really cold?

I'd rather sweat than freeze!

11.  If you could change just one thing about yourself, what would it be?

That I could roll over in the morning, or look into the eyes of a friend, and know with certainty if you told me I could trust you with my heart, that I actually could.

People I am tagging

Trigirlpink

 caratunkgirl

gofastmichelle

matty-o

gosonja

Lee

wifemotherathlete

swimbikerunlive
milesmusclesmommyhood
runtodaytritomorrow
wanna-be-triathlete
joelpstrickland

Questions:

1.  Twister or Monopoly?

2.  Which do you crave more?  The chips & salsa, or chocolate?

3.  You're sitting next to a friend(s) in a room.  You fart and it's loud enough that you KNOW everyone heard it.  Do you acknowledge it or pretend it never happened?  (Okay, every situation is different....but you know yourself - in general, your reaction would be?)  

4.  Pizza or Hamburger (yes, buffalo burger acceptable)?

5.  If you could go back to one conversation to change or add to something you said, what would it be?

6.  Snow skiing or water skiing?

7.  What is the craziest thing you have done (or advice you listened to) to try to heal an injury faster?  

8.  Are you a cat person or a dog person?

9.  Do you wipe front to back, or back to front?

10.  What's your favorite Charity?

11.  Favorite rock/country/blues band of all time?

< drumroll ......... > AND THE WINNER IS.....

Thanks to everyone who played the contest game .......... I think we will all agree that the comments were hilarious -- and lots of folks were coming by just to see what others had said.   LOVE IT.   This contest blog had over 600 hits in two days.  Not even remotely close to what my favorite blog of all time was getting before it went to cyber heaven  (come back, FUPenguin!)  but a pretty good showing for a small-town country girl like me.  (kidding - I am all CITY, and all Lovin'!)

 I would be remiss if I failed to mention ......... dang I have some FUNNY blog friends!!!    You guys are awesome.

Before we get to the winner........I need to throw out a laugh for my loyal readers. I try very hard to not post videos unless REALLY funny. (Or at least I find them funny!)
Many of you have seen this before but I have not been able to stop watching this, repeatedly, for the last few weeks. I laugh hysterically EVERY TIME even though I have seen it going on ninety times.

You're going to love this. And yes, I am very immature. This is the stuff that collapses me into belly laughter. :)

(Warning: Extremely inappropriate language so choose viewing environment with care!)

 Enjoy!

Okay. The Contest.

< drumroll, please ........... >

I found this extremely difficult. It brought me back emotionally to my years spent as a high school teacher. (Didn't know I used to be one? Scary, isn't it? ME in front of the youth of America... God help 'em!)
 I wanted EVERYONE to win and didn't like having to select who was "better". I love everyone! (gag)

For future contests I probably won't be so nice.... but for this one, I couldn't help it - we have more than 1 winner.

The winner(s) of TRISLIDE.... go to......................

*  ONEHOURIRONMAN

ONEHOUR's use of TriSlide on the handlebars of competition at a race was not only genius, it made me raise my eyebrows to consider returning to competition! Had ONEHOUR given me this great tip a few years ago, I would have beaten Bella with the surprise "TRISLIDE Handlebar Attack" and won that F*ing Ironman! :)  ... ONEHOUR also backed it up (no pun intended) with the great Jerry Sandusky comment. Gross - but a creative use of lubricant.

* Cook Train Eat Race

For the reminder that guys in high school have enough room in their shorts for a 4oz can. Cook's suggestion that a high school kid stick the bottle in his shorts could change modern dating for teenagers around the globe... "No, silly, it's a can of TRISLIDE!" Hilarious. Having the can in one's shorts amid the unexpected mid-day stiffy might be uncomfortable, but he will manage. He's grateful he'll never be subjected to a Pap Smear. Now that's uncomfortable.

*  ShutUpAndRun

For leaving more questions than answers with "lube the dog so his penis finally goes back in" ..... ??  First I laughed, then I scratched my head a bit in confusion, then I laughed again.  ShutUp should provide some photos of this.  Some things we all simply should see.

Sidebar question: shouldn't the penis always be out?  I admit I lack a lot of personal experience to evaluate this conundrum, but similar to "laces out" in football, isn't the penis EXTERNAL, therefore, like a nose on a face, always out?  Understood it grows and shrinks (so I've been told via Seinfeld's "I WAS IN THE POOL!!") - but always "out" regardless, right?

* BananaBuzzBomb

Anyone who has to stick her finger up the ass of an animal deserves to win ANY contest she enters!  Enough said.   (Plus we've gotta get Homegirl OFF the Pam!!)


Honorable Mention:

 Lee

Though very funny, answering questions as someone other than yourself (i.e., ME) results in disqualification from contest. Lee has way too much personal information on me. *wink*  (But thank you for playing!)

  Matty-O

I think we all agree... f'ing hilarious. But as the spouse of a TRISLIDE sponsored athlete, Matty-O is ineligible for contest prizes. (but thank you for playing!)

Jeff Irvin

Use of political fire to validate the need for TRISLIDE was a deft maneuver. Clever, and reminded me to avoid Foreign Policy debates at all costs. Due to Jeff's personal affiliation with TRISLIDE he too is exempt. (But thank you for playing!)

And there we have it, Kids.

All winners please contact me at carole@rev3tri.com so you may collect your prize.

This was more fun than I expected .......... I will be brewing another contest in February.......... so stay tuned.......

FREE GIVEAWAY???

So I was having a conversation with my sweet young grasshopper, Colleen .  She and I share a few common traits.  While Colleen is much more kind than I am - she is like the softer version of me :) ...  (or the me I like after a full food belly

 amid a warm sunny day on a beach)  

... Young Grasshoppa' and I do share an appreciation for candid conversations, and for blunt honesty.  She may sugar coat her words (again, she is the nice one) but they are direct and truthful nonetheless.   Love it.

Colleen:  "Carole", said in her great forbearing tone. "You seriously need to do a giveaway on your blog."

Me: "Really?  Give-aways?  That's kind of ghetto, no?"

Colleen:  "No way it's not!  Look.  Triathletes are cheap.  And we love free shit!"

Ha.  Spoken like the honest woman I know.

Okay, okay, you little maggots.  So you love some free shit huh?  Okay, I can get down with that.   I'll spend more than 4 hours cutting coupons that will save me maybe $6.00 in the grocery store.... I understand being frugal.

So let's roll this puppy out!!!

GIVEAWAY!!

Contest runs through Thursday, January 26 - 11am EST.  

The Giveaway?

CAN OF TRISLIDE -- value $16.20

What is TRISLIDE , you ask?   Oh, horror.

If you're still using that archaic Body Glide shit, it's time to evolve to the upgrade, my friends.   (And if I ever see any of you using PAM when putting on your wetsuits.... come here, this will only hurt for a second.  That crap will ruin your expensive neoprene wetsuits! ).  Once you try this product, I know from experience, you'll never use anything else again.

TRISLIDE is the ONLY anti chafing, anti-friction, anti blistering product found in a convenient environmental friendly aerosol spray. Gone are the days of goopy messy hands and contaminated sticks, the continuous spray application of TRISLIDE is easy to use and safe to share!  Compared to others that may wash off, it is waterproof which means sweat proof!  TRISLIDE is a liquid silicone based product that can simply be removed with soap and water, will not stain clothes, and is the most innovative product to prevent chafing, blistering, irritation, and hot spots found in swimming, biking and running. Available in a 4 oz can.

The Contest:

You need to tell me 4 ways in which TRISLIDE can be and is used.  Authentic ways, people!   If you tell me you use it to scrape the mud from the hoof of your Llama, you'd better submit a photo to prove you indeed have a llama.

    

Bonus points for the most creative answers.  If you know anything about me, I like humor.   If you make me laugh, you're likely to get bumped to the top of the winner list ... but it's gotta' be a REAL use!    I think I am afraid to even read the responses from Matty-O !!!  Gracious.

The person who submits the best four (4) ways to use TRISLIDE gets the can!   

Contest ends January 26, at 11am.

Have fun, kids!

Running Efficiently, A Coyote, And A Fast Gazelle

Almost all of us have muscular weaknesses.  We lack flexibility.  Our gluts are weak.  Tight hips and hamstrings?  Whoa...oh yeah.   Any of this sound like you?  Well don't feel bad.  This describes about 75% of the runners on the planet - and these deficiencies will plague us unless we actively work to improve these things.

I am no runner.  I'm the first to admit that.  I somehow have a few running credentials to my relatively lackluster stat sheet, and even those I consider very mediocre among a roomful of people I call elite.  My progress accelerated on the bike in my early triathlon years quite quickly ........ but in comparison my running progress was never commensurate to what my cycling was.  Running has never come easy to me.  I struggle at it and work at it like I've committed to nothing in my life.   I tell you this because I think it's important to being able to relate to me, and me to you.  I work really hard to make minimal gains, I have to do tons of drills (and I look like a mutant giraffe while doing them!), and I work very hard at trying to do things that seem to come naturally to most others.  I understand this frustration.  I've put my time in.... and for a non-runner I did manage to get my Irondistance run off the bike down to 3:23 at my best race.  Pathetic, and not even in the same league, compared to my elite competitors (let's see the swim evolve to 10-miles from it's '1/8 the distance of the bike or run' 2.4 and we'll see this sport start to even out a little more fairly.......but that's another rant!) but for one who has never done a marathon (but I've done 13 Ironman events....why run 26 miles without a 5+ hour bike warmup?  Craziness!  ha...), and only 3 half marathons in her lifetime (minus triathlon), this has been enormous run progress.

So how did I improve my running?  Well, a couple excellent coaches deserve the credit for that ..... but essentially it is the attention to the details.  For sure.  So let's talk about one of them.

I've been running a bit more these days.  A few mornings ago I was out on the trails.  I was heading down a hill as Tim DeBoom was running up it - dude looked like a gazelle, our paces pretty much the same even though he was running UPHILL.  The f*cker. :)   We waved as I wheezed, "Damn you're flying" ..... He smiled and said, "I just started" as we passed..... we both laughed.  He was heading in the direction of his house, about 3 miles ahead.   He didn't just start.  Funny.

I'm always aware of wild animals when on the Boulder trails.  My two primary concerns: Rattlesnakes and Mountain Lions.  I'm not so concerned about Rattlesnakes this time of year, but mountain lions - oh yea!   Every crackling noise around me causes me to startle.  I'm somehow always ready for a wild cat to pounce on me from the side of a ledge, sinking it's fangs into my neck, killing me instantly.   My trailrunning friend, Louisa, says, "Carole, every time you have run on a trail a mountain lion has probably seen you.  You just haven't seen IT!"   Uggggg.  I don't need to hear that.   

Get a load of this shot taken a couple months ago from a Boulder residence.

Anyway, so I am running along a Boulder trail and come upon a warning sign...

Can't quite read what it says?   Let's get up a little closer.

I found this sort of humorous.  Okay okay, so "coyotes" are not the great predators of the Western Hemisphere.  I hear ya.   But, still.  How often along one of your runs have you approached a sign that warned you about active coyotes?  Something about that made me laugh.

But I digress.  A few of my athletes have some REALLY tight hips, and a few some weak gluts too.  Ah yes.  The 1-2 punch.  VERY common.  One of the things I have been working on with a few of them is getting their spines a little more neutral when they run.  Most of us compensate, somehow, when we have things that are weak or tight, and we may not be recruiting the needed muscles because stronger ones dominate.  This can be a vicious cycle until we purposefully break it.

One thing I am very guilty of is arching my back a bit when I run, especially when I get tired.   My gluts are no longer firing, and my body falls into "compensation mode".  My quads take over and my lower back gets KILLED because it can't sustain that instability.  My form sucks!  Running like this is much less efficient!!!   Running with a neutral spine means I am able to lift my knees easier, which makes me a more efficient runner.  This doesn't mean to run vertically - we are talking hips and spine, not body position (that's for another post!).   

A few weeks ago JZ was helping me get on a stretching program to loosen my hips and get them to open.  Holy sh*tballs, Batman.  She had to literally HOLD MY HIPS IN PLACE, USING ALL HER BODY WEIGHT, to keep me from hiking up my hips, compensating, etc.  I am THAT tight.   I've got to work on this or I will continue to work harder with very little gain.

A few of the athletes I coach are on similar structures.   There is a great 8 minute Pilates video for you to try that I really like.  Try to follow along with her - notice how you keep your lower back pressed to the floor as you lift your knee.  Notice how much easier this is.   If you can't do this while on the floor, consider that you're probably not doing this when you're upright and trying to run either.

Pilates Video

Then, bring this video work to your running.  Think about your lower back being able to touch the floor (as if you were horizontal) and see if that helps a bit....

Oh, and of course....... after your long runs, be sure you are recovering optimally.  A good pair of Swiftwick Compression Socks  here! (best I have ever tried!) TV, and a recovery drink glass of wine!

Happy running, friends!

Blind Dates and Latin Lovers

The Dating World.  Once again, single women: unite!   Gawd how I hate dating.   It is the greatest thing EVER when you meet someone with whom you feel a mutual connection.  But finding THAT .... ugggg, the ongoing nightmare.   

I realize I should be more positive in approach about this ......... and trust me when I say if my overriding emotion wasn't optimism I would have removed myself from these wastes of time glorious opportunities long ago ........... but let's just remember I am jaded due to copious experience.  Not assumption.  Experience.   

It’s not to say that I’ve become disenchanted or disillusioned, because that would imply I had grandiose illusions and, um, enchantments to begin with. Is ‘enchantments’ really the word I’m looking for?  Because short of stewing toad legs and newt eyes in my spare time, I can’t say as I’ve ever let myself be enchanted by much of anything - or when I have, pain has been soon to follow.  I’m nothing if not a realist.  Maybe a very optimistic realist, but a realist nonetheless. I’m aware that kittens get run over, puppies are bludgeoned and little old ladies have their life savings stolen by men of ill repute, men who normally lack a full set of teeth. 

Nonetheless, I am out there, my friends, and let me tell you, it is a scary, scary sight.   Adhering to the optimistic notion that "you never know...", I am hurling myself back into battle with the latest blind date.  Arm yourself, Sharpie.  It's a brutal bloodbath.  

A couple days ago my friend Kim calls me.  

Kim:  "I want you to meet my Veterinarian.  He is awesome. He did surgery on my dog's hip!"

Already I am skeptical.

Me:  "A Vet?  You know why people become Veterinarians?  Because they can't relate to HUMANS!"

Kim: "Ha!  Sharpie!  Nooooo....   He is funny!   He is from South America - so you may be getting yourself a Latin Lover!"

What is this, 'Sex And The City: Season 7'?   Who "gets a lover" outside of the HBO Sitcom?  

Me: "Oh Good LORD.  That's all I need - some guy's mangy paws all over me right from the start.  Gross.  Does he even speak English??"

 Kim: "YES!  Okay, there's a thick accent but I think you'll understand him."

You think I will??

Kim:  "He is great. He did veterinary surgery in San Francisco and NY, he is smart and successful - how bad could he be?"

Here we go.  Exactly.  Spoken like a true non-single woman!

Me: "Kim!  How BAD can he be?  Setting the lowest possible standard and then determining how far from the bottom this guy is is not the optimal approach to ideal mate selection."  

Kim: *Laughs*   "Look.  He is funny and likes to make people laugh.  You are funny and like to make people laugh.  Win-win right there.  He is calling you later.  And you're going!"

Several hours pass......later I get a call from The Latin Lover.    We exchange the initial awkward pleasantries, but truth be told we have an upbeat, fun conversation.   How could we not - combine an Italian girl with a dude from South America?? .... OPA!!!  .....  and I am able to decipher his quite good English amid his heavy accent.   He is smart and engaging.

However, he is most definitely LATINO.... sorry, but how do stereotypes become stereotypes?

Urban dictionary defines the Latin Lover: The best men out there... they're not only very sensual and manly (unlike All-American men) but they're gorgeous, with warm golden skin, dark bedroom eyes and full lips. Most are hot but those men are so sexy with their rich ethnic accents.

And....

Dark Little men from latin america who think they are good in bed, most of the women they get are fat and ugly but that is sexy by latin standards;  these men will have sex with farm animals they are so desperate and barbaric

Lovely.  Back to our phone call.  Among his and my exchanges:

Him:  "Are you going to wear a short dress with heels for me?"

Me:  "Ummmm, no.  I'll be in jeans and a sweater, amigo.   This is BOULDER.   But I will shower."

The Latin Lover laughs.

and...

Him:  "You'll go salsa dancing with me?"

Me:  "Hell no."  < aren't I fun?  naaa, I was teasing with him - he laughed. >   

Him:  "Maybe you'll come with me to Vail when I go skiing.  Do you ski?"

Already the vacation invite?  The Latin Lover doesn't waste time.

Me:  "Nope, I don't ski.  But I am great in the lodge!"

Him:  "And maybe you'll be in the bathtub in our Penthouse Suite?"

Okay, funny boy.  Damn Latinos!  It's always about this, isn't it?  :)   Thankfully, years of experience have taught me well.  I know how to handle these chaps and keep their jet engines cooled.

Me: "I'm a swimmer.  I don't sit in water unnecessarily.   And my hotel suite would be MINE, Casanova."

Him:  "Ooohhhh... haaa haaaa, I am just kidding Carole, just kidding.  Testing your humor..."

:)  Uh huh.  Testing the humor alright.  I've got his ethnic charm completely figured out, and I will not be caught off guard.

So............. I will be meeting The Latin Lover for a glass of wine... and, somehow, I am envisioning this:

This will be us!


.

Cougar Town In Boulder

A reload from last year.  Still a story that makes me giggle.  Something tells me we all need a laugh today...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I wasn't going to put this out there for public consumption.  Sometimes these little nuggets are best kept among a small circle of friends.  But a few friends who I told were all like, "You gotta put this one on your blog!!"

Ummmm... ok...

 A few weeks ago my good friend from Atlanta, Patrick, was in town visiting his CU son, Kevin.  We trolled (yes) on over to  The Dark Horse  CU bar for dinner (eugh?), which was a dark, hollowed out canyon saloon which reeked of bad beer and stale puke.  (Good memories of college days came flooding back!)  We all sat in the bar area to eat - the usual scenario where you strike up conversations with those around you.   I ended up in some flirtacious banter with a CU Rugby Sophomore .... c'mon, let Sharpie have a little fun ....... Homeboy most certainly did NOT look 20 - he did look young though - but then I don't look 25 either!  (Ahem!)   Patrick and Kevin were eavesdropping on our conversation the whole time .... I would occasionally look over and wink at them as they were laughing and shaking their heads at me.

By the end of my burger and 50-cent Monday-Night-Ladies-Night-Beer-Pitcher-Special, my little friend was warm for my form.  I get invited back to his "dorm".  (Oh, the memories!)  Romantic and compelling offer, for sure, but I'm thinking probably not.  (Understood we're talking a 20 year old male in college - dude would have taken home anything with a PULSE - this bears no compliment to me.  But at least the offer was when he was sober.  Beer goggles were not involved. *score!*)

Homeboy was all about the wooing.  Demonstrating his mastery of the art of seduction, he skillfully tosses out the "you're hot" descriptor.    Damn right I'm hot, little boy.  And it only requires one roll of duct tape to keep these boobs up too.

Alas, I had to turn him down with the reality check.  Cougar / Mrs Robinson aside, he's got to at least be able to legally rent a car.  I have standards.

Carole: "Honey, I am old enough to be your mother..."

Here comes the comeback of the century.  Ready?

Little Friend: "Good - then it will be familiar to you."

Ummmmmmmmm... HUH??   Clever comeback --- but EUGH????!!!!!!!!   I can't even describe the look of confusion plus utter gross-out that I shot him.

I thought about following up with something about "spotting due to premenopause" (gotta teach the young lad a thing or two!) but thought I'd just leave it alone...

Throughout this evening I'd been texting my good friends, Anthony and Michele Beeson, about the scene.  Michele sent me a great text:  "Embrace it.  You're hot.  Rugby hunk wants you!"

Ha!
 I've still got it.  ;)

The Starfish Story

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out, "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied, "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?", asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die".

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

Swimming With Snow

You just gotta love Colorado.  Not only does the weather fluctuate intensely (snow and cold yesterday, by tomorrow we will be up to about 60 degrees!) ....... but the year round outdoor swimming still leaves me laughing.

Swimming with rain drops falling onto my back is a familiar feeling .... but there is something about snowflakes falling onto me - soft yet cold, melting instantly against the warm contrast of my back - that I'm still not used to.

Cheers from the outdoor life of January in Boulder!

photo compliments of Laura Tingle

Buzzing With Battle

The other night I was waiting for some friends to pick me up for our night out.  While I was waiting for them to arrive, I decided to straighten up the kitchen. On the marble countertop next to the cutting board was a small dark fleck.  Assuming it was a breadcrumb or other random bit of foodstuff that goes flying around the kitchen whenever I get over-hungry, I picked it up to throw it away.

Immediately something felt weird: The breadcrumb was sticking to my thumb. And not in a “breadcrumb covered in chocolate pudding” kind of way, but almost latched on. I opened the trash and tried to flick it off, and that’s when I felt the sting. Not of regret or inflated gas prices, but a literal sting. I brought my thumb close to my face and there, clutching my thumb with all it's tiny might, was a little baby bee.

My gut instinct was to yelp and dance around like an Indian until it came off, but for the briefest second I thought, “Man up, Sharpie!”  (Is it bad that, as a woman, I empower myself with machismo?)

Halfway through thinking all this I began to violently shake my hand and bang it against several things, like the countertop, my leg,  the refrigerator and my other hand.  I figured a compromise of flailing without making any sissy guttural noises was the appropriate response.   Baby steps.

Finally, the little bee fell off my finger and into the trash.  I looked down at it on top of a heap of magazines and bean salad and thought, “What up now, bitch?”    I turned on the light and noticed that the stinger was still sticking out of my thumb.  With a coolness that can only come with being a victor of war, I carefully removed it and threw it in the trash with Bumbley.

As I was running my hand under cold water, I took a moment to replay the situation in my head.  Clearly, I thought, the bee must have been nearly dead for it to lay so still on the countertop.  What had happened?  How did a nearly dead bee end up in my kitchen?  Was he beaten and left for dead by a rival hive?  Did he get lost in my air conditioning duct and, after a harrowing, chilly journey, end up (to his ultimate dismay!) to have made it inside instead of out?  Or did it go full-retard?

It was then that I started to feel a bit ashamed of my actions.  Here’s this undersized bee, on the brink of death in an unfamiliar place, yet when an enormous human thumb closes on it, it still, still summons the energy somehow, someway to battle back, not go down without a fight, to use the last of its energy to preserve what little time it had left to think about his comb, that time he and the Queen’s daughter got in trouble for flying off to the orange grove and staying out past curfew.  And here I was acting like a wuss.  That brave bee didn’t deserve to die. I did. He is the better warrior than me.

Too bad the bitch ate it.

What's He Bringing?....

....He's bringing Hairy Back!

There is one thing for certain I know about my spirit.  I respond to water.

Whenever I have any serious issues I am trying to work through, a problem I need to solve, or I just feel the world is too heavy for me to bear alone at the moment, I always know what I need to do: Get myself to a beach.  Pronto.   I'll sit on the sand to watch the sunset, I'll gaze for hours at the surf, watch the waves roll in, listen to them crash, smile at the pelicans who skim the water's edge until they nosedive in on their prey.  I'll sharply inhale the crisp beach air as though every breath is healing - in many ways, perhaps it is.  I'll ponder...I'll probe intensely, and I'll ask myself the tough questions.  I won't always find the answers I may need, but I am able to force myself onto more stable footing with these forced water excursions.   This weekend I was able to get away for a few days for my mental bootcamp.  I've hit my "reset" button and my eyes are locked to face forward. 

One of the best parts was getting to see my adopted family for an afternoon - my Rev3 Mom & Dad, Debbie and Charlie Patten Sr.   They are such kind people, the laughs are always abundant, their hilarious stories are unending - and their affection towards me a constant stream of love. 

 Anyway, so I'm bringing Hairy Back??  Life is good when you can retool Justin Timberlake's SexyBack to mean exactly the opposite of the song's original meaning as well as utilize its obvious homonym to make a post title that's not just ironically clever, but grammatically clever, as well. Score!

And if you're functionally retarded and the above hairy back descriptive wasn't enough for you to figure out where I'm going with this blog, allow me to present to you a visual:

                                                                          goldilocks aint havin' this

Yep. Today's subject is the hairy back. And today's lesson is that hairy backs are not okay. In fact, dudes having hairy backs is equivalent to ladies having mustaches; in both cases, those gnarly tufts of hair make you unnecessarily ugly.  But eureeka!  In both cases there is an easy way to avoid disgusting others -- WAX THAT SH*T.  Please.

And while this is a general Public Service Announcement for the world, I must hone in on how this affected my life in FL this weekend. There I was, just walking down the beach street, minding my own business taking care of business looking for a bar, when I saw him. Like a big game hunter, I immediately hunkered down and got my ammo ready. I aimed and shot.

Unfortunately, the shot is not as clear as I had hoped and so you'll have to take my word for it: This man's back was hairy. Damn hairy. This man should not have had his shirt off. I don't care how hot or humid it is outside. How's about if you want to cool off, you shave off the layer of wool growing out of your back? Seriously. Unflattering. And yes, I think he's also scratching his butt in this pic. Seriously. Classy.

Godspeed, e-friends. And good luck out there.

Finding Your Path

My friend Stephanie was telling me today about hating her job — how everything and everyone related to it emotionally drained her. She was bored, unchallenged, and a few other adjectives that meant she wanted to leave and didn’t want to work there anymore. She said she spent every free and not so free moment looking for another job.

I asked, “Do you wake up every weekday with 101 reasons to call in… immediately followed by three reasons to go in anyway?” She said, “YES, that’s it!”   For responsible people, food, clothing, and shelter defeat their 101 reasons most of the time. These basic motivating needs have a way of bringing reality to our wake-up call and purpose to our pain.

I understood her pain.  A lot of us do.  We've all had something - a place or a situation or a person - we've needed to leave; it's time to go but we dig our heels in deeper and seem to hang on.  For me, figuring out the root cause of my discontentment increased my self-awareness and personal growth. It was a frustrating journey filled with many crossroads and valuable lessons about me and the ‘whys’ behind my decision making.

We can’t always quit when we experience discontentment, especially if we haven’t taken a step back to gain some perspective. Michael Beckwith says, "People grow in two ways: through pain or through insight."   Many choose the path of pain by continually bumping their head up against life until they start asking themselves some empowering questions. Other people grow through insight. They’re inspired. They become inspired by something that motivates them to grow.

Growth is difficult. Some of my best mistakes challenged me to grow and some of my worst ones kept me stuck, because it was easy to see the effect and contribute it to the wrong cause.  By pushing through my need to deflect from myself and getting to the point of assessing myself, I learned the difference between running towards something and running away from it.

Honestly asking yourself how you arrived where you are now can help you create an action plan, which is better than simply reacting. I dealt with my painful discontentment by reducing the complaining, increasing my ownership, and taking risks outside of my comfort zone. This provided me with the insight to understand what I did well, the habits that held me back, and the skills I needed to develop.

I also learned how to drink more.  (kidding)

There is a popular quote that says there are two important days in your life — the day you were born and the day you find out why. I have met people who knew their “why” in their childhood while others figured it out much later through life experiences.

When I read that “some people clock in and clock out all their life without getting to their life,” I immediately thought I know people like that and I got it. Pursuing your “why” is not free or unchallenged; it includes some wrong turns, exits, breakdowns, and people you will have to pick up and drop off along the way. The journey is different for everyone and, for some, they are okay with not knowing, but for others, it’s a restless pursuit.

For the restless, we are challenged with not having enough reasons to stick around a place or a situation or a person. So, we have to learn to embrace periods of being discontent (or even unhappy?) for what it’s intended to be —a  temporary layover for personal growth, a time to learn about yourself and your motives (why), and life lessons for handling conflict. It also can help you learn to honestly answer, Is it you? The situation? Or, is it both?” Because if it is you, running away won’t change you since you take yourself wherever you go. You must make a concerted effort to learn about yourself (the good and bad) without casting blame elsewhere as an excuse to not grow and move on.

To me, you haven’t lived unless you have been painfully unhappy and unsure what to do because you have to work through the pain. It separates the girls from the women and the boys from men. Embrace it and stop complaining, take the necessary steps to do better, and, if need be, exit your current situation gracefully. Let your actions — instead of your complaints – say, “If you don’t think I am leaving, count the days I’m gone.”

Here we go again ...... (I can't help but watch!)

As my loyal readers will attest, I have a slight obsession with 'The Bachelor' TV show.  I get sucked in harder than a porn star.  Mostly because I almost always feel better about my own life while watching the cat fights, crying fits and drama that encircles multiple women vying for the penis heart of one man.

This show brings out my darker side, the jaded soul who hates on love...and I've shared my hate sarcastic jabs on my blog.  
In any event, last night was the Season Premiere of The Bachelor....I sat glued to the TV, of course, while clutching my Geritol.  I attempted to compose another masterpiece blog but stumbled upon a gem more  worthy of reading.  Ann Oldenburg, writer for USA Today, is one of my favorite columnists because she is bitter and snarky like I am, and she pulls no punches when she writes - like me.  I laugh out loud when I read her quips and I am about ready to stalk her just to become her friend.   (Seriously, her recaps on The Kardashian shows are epic!)

Because she did a far better job on this one than I could ever do, I share with you The Bachelor Recap courtesy of Ms Oldenburg.   It's hilarious.

Ben Flajnik is "ready to start again, to find love."

The Sonoma, Calif., winemaker, whose proposal was rejected by Bachelorette Ashley Hebert during the last cycle of the ABC reality romance show, launched his love quest on Monday's premiere of The Bachelor.   Admitting he was "nervous," Flajnik, 28, said he was "ready" approximately 20 times during the two-hour premiere.

Could his Princess Charming be among the 25 women who met him at the Bachelor mansion? Host Chris Harrison was on hand to help welcome them all as they pulled stunts to try to make a memorable first impression:

- Amber T., 28, is a nurse from Waverly, Neb. And this nurse can shoot a gun.

- Kacie, 24, is an administrative assistant from Knoxville. Ben's "hot," she says. "I want this me to be a we."

- Courtney, 28, from Santa Monica, is a model who "can't be bothered" by competition with other girls. Oh, and she's ready for a two-carat diamond ring. "I have the biggest crush on you," she said -- the first thing out of her mouth.
"That is a pretty girl," said Ben, as she walked away.

- Jamie, 25, from Dryden, N.Y., is a nurse with a big smile, who has had a tough time in life, having to raise her siblings on her own.

- Lyndsie, 29, from London, lives in Scottsdale. Her dad's a diplomat. She said she likes to write "dorky poems" and read one to Ben when she met him. "I'm a dork, I know."

- Jenna, 27, from New York City, writes a blog called The Overanalyst. She tried to quote Ben when she met him and messed up the phrase. She didn't get off to a good start.

- Shawn, 28, Phoenix, is a financial analyst. She has a young son named Gavin. Shawn gave Ben a slug on the arm when she met him.

- Nicki, 26, from Hurst, Texas, is a divorced dental hygienist. Ashley Hebert, who just got her dental degree, tweeted during the show that "Nicki needs to come work for me!"

- Rachel, 27, a fashion sales rep from New York, told Ben: "My middle name is rose." As in, give me one and don't kick me off the show yet.

- Erika, 23, a law student from the Chicago area told Ben, "The verdict is in. You are guilty of being sexy." Har har. Ben liked the line.

-Amber B. 23, a nurse from Canada, made sure to say her last name was Bacon. "Do you love bacon?" She asked Ben.

- Elyse, 24, a personal trainer from Chicago, promised they'd "have fun tonight."

- Emily, 27, Ph.D. student in Chapel Hill, N.C., gave him some hand sanitizer and breath spray, then kissed him.

- Samantha, 26, from Los Angeles, wore her Miss Pacific Palisades sash to make herself stand out.

- Casey S., 26, from Leawood, Kan., didn't have much to say.

- Holly, 34, a pharmaceutical rep from Kentucky, sported a big Derby-style hat.

- Shira, an actress from Los Angeles, said she knew everything about wine, then said she knew nothing about wine.

- Blakely, 34, a cocktail waitress from Charlotte, was surprised to learn there were other Southerners in the house.

- Sheryl, 72, from Colorado, got out of the limo and walked to Ben on crutches. She said she watched him last season and "fell madly in love" with him. Then she introduced her granddaughter, Brittney, 26, a medical sales rep from Denver. Good way to get yourself noticed.

- Dianna, 30, a non-profit director from San Gabriel, Calif., completely forgot what she was going to say and giggled her way in.

- Jennifer, 28, an accountant from Oklahoma City, threw some numbers at Ben, including "54, the number of dresses I tried on before picking this one."

- Anna, 25, a student from Detroit, tried a completely different ploy to get noticed. She said nothing and walked right by Ben, giving him nothing more than a sexy look.
"That's a bold move," said Ben. "That's awesome. Gotta be some kind of first."

- Monica, 33, dental consultant from Salt Lake City, confessed that she was missing her dog. Later, she appeared to have fallen not for Ben, but for another woman -- Blakely. "You're beautiful. You're amazing," Monica said to her as the two lounged on a couch, Monica draped all over Blakely.
Earlier, Monica was mean to Jenna, who spent the night obsessing about it and ABC spent a lot of camera time focusing on it.

- Jacklyn, 27, advertising account manager from Newton, Mass., told Ben he looked "dapper."

- Lindzi, 26, from Seattle. She's into horses, but "tired of horsing around," in the dating game. She rode in on a horse in a black gown, hat and boots.

Jealous of her impressive entrance, the women were ticked off. And the claws came out. Said Courtney: "Screw you and the horse you rode in on."

Courtney, meanwhile, kept telling Ben he's got great hair. "I feel like I don't have to worry about these other girls here. They're kind of annoying. I'm better than them. I think I'll be patient and let them shoot themselves in the foot."

The women commenced drooling, flirting and vying for Ben's heart and one of his roses. One made him eat candy with a blindfold on. Another made him do push-ups.

But the drama centered around Jenna, who constantly cried over Monica's meanness, and was basically a mess. "I guess I'm scared," she said, sobbing behind a closed door.

In the end, Lindzi's horse entrance paid off. She landed the "first impression" rose.
Ben also gave roses to Jamie, Rachel, Blakely, Emily, Kacie B., Casey S., Brittney, Erika, Shawn, Nicki, Jennifer, Elyse, Samantha, Courtney, Jacklyn, Monica ... and crying Jenna.

Let the drama begin!